For my Ava...

Today Sept. 30th was supposed to be a happy day. One with joy beyond comprehension. But for some reason that I guess I will never know I was not allowed to meet my angel today. She left and went back to heaven March 12, 2009. That was 6 months 2weeks and 4 days ago. Everyday without her has been like having my heart ripped out over and over and over again. I don't want to feel this pain anymore I just want to hold my little angel in my arms and kiss all over her sweet baby face. At this time I thought my anger towards what had happened would lessen but the opposite seems more true. I have grown angrier day by day at not only myself and my poor spouse but at everything around me. Nothing holds the joy that it once did. I wanted so badly to be pregnant before this day arrived. I said numerous prayers, followed TTC guildlines to a T, hit the right days watched what I ate,drank. and nothing, nothing at all. I feel so empty, lonely, and sad most of the time. I try my best to keep it to myself but I just miss my little one so much it hurts, Sorry to be so down but it's hell being positive when all you wanna do is cry. So today little one which I have named Ava, I know it was to early to know for sure but I just "felt" that you were my Ava. I love you more than anything in this world. My heart is yours, I miss you and don't know why we were asked to seperate but you can bet on one thing, when I get to heaven you will never leave my side again. I am sorry if you have to see mommy cry but it is just because I miss you so much! No one has ever been more loved than you my sweet, darling, Ava. I love you.

Yesterday was WOW....just WOW!

OK so greg and I decided to be crazy and go 4 wheeling together on Sat. we haven't done anything FUN just the two of us in awhile so i was really looking forward to it. So we went down to Gooseberry and went riding. They have some really awesome little ponds all over the place that are totally hidden and then WAM there they are! SO pretty.So after that we went and loaded up and decided to go to the pavant. We drove to there and got unloaded and boy was it dusty!! WOW, it was bad. ANYWAYS, so we head up the mountain , me clinging to the back with all my might because greg is going a hundred miles an hour and I am terrified I am going to fly off. We ended up hauling up there a cooler, chairs, and his backpack so there wasn't much room left for my butt! So we go up there and we are going down different trails then he was like oh lets go down this one trail and I was like once you've seen one you've seen them all but what the heck why not! So we go down this long trail that breaks out into a large clearing with a small pond at the other end. Greg was kinda bummed and I was like whats up dear and he said oh last time I was hear there was a large herd of horses and I was hoping that they were hear so I could show you. I was touched that he would think about that and I was like Its all good so we decided to pull up underneath some big pine trees in the shade and pull out our chairs and chill on the side of the clearing for a bit. So we set everthing up and about ten minutes after that I heard a weird noise and I looked around and here comes a small herd of horses galloping into the clearing. OH they were so beautiful! It was awesome to watch. They went to the pond and started playing around in it. It was so funny to hear the splashing around! Then when they were done they walked out and stopped to graze for a minute and the babies took the time to roll in the dirt, and when one did it all the babies had to give it a try. There were 3 babies total. So they finished up and walked out of the clearing. It was so amazing to witness that! So we sat and talked about it for a little while and about 20 minutes later 2 more come down into the clearing and go for water. I made up my mind that I wanted to touch one, because I just had to! :) So after they got done drinking they came out and grazed for a minute. I got up and walked down there and went really slowly up to one and held my hand out and he came to me and let me pet him. So I sat there and talked to him and scratched and rubbed him all over till I was filthy. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!! Oh my gosh it was the best thing in the whole world. I tried to pet the other one but he wouldn't have any part of it. I was so greatful to be able to pet the other one that I left and went back to my chair. I didn't want to spook them and ruin what had just happened. It was so cool I just wanted to share what had happened! All in all it was a great day!

WOW it's been awhile!

It has been FOREVER since I updated this poor thing. Lets see, since updating last Fin and Gus have died. Bob is still holding on though. Greg has had kidney stones for a little over a month now. Those have been fun. Um... lets see not much else. Oh, I Greg and I went to the Nickelback concert which was AWESOME!! I didn't have much of a voice for a couple of days and Greg really enjoyed himself so it was fun. Other than that no to much else I will update later when I have something good to right about!