Today Sept. 30th was supposed to be a happy day. One with joy beyond comprehension. But for some reason that I guess I will never know I was not allowed to meet my angel today. She left and went back to heaven March 12, 2009. That was 6 months 2weeks and 4 days ago. Everyday without her has been like having my heart ripped out over and over and over again. I don't want to feel this pain anymore I just want to hold my little angel in my arms and kiss all over her sweet baby face. At this time I thought my anger towards what had happened would lessen but the opposite seems more true. I have grown angrier day by day at not only myself and my poor spouse but at everything around me. Nothing holds the joy that it once did. I wanted so badly to be pregnant before this day arrived. I said numerous prayers, followed TTC guildlines to a T, hit the right days watched what I ate,drank. and nothing, nothing at all. I feel so empty, lonely, and sad most of the time. I try my best to keep it to myself but I just miss my little one so much it hurts, Sorry to be so down but it's hell being positive when all you wanna do is cry. So today little one which I have named Ava, I know it was to early to know for sure but I just "felt" that you were my Ava. I love you more than anything in this world. My heart is yours, I miss you and don't know why we were asked to seperate but you can bet on one thing, when I get to heaven you will never leave my side again. I am sorry if you have to see mommy cry but it is just because I miss you so much! No one has ever been more loved than you my sweet, darling, Ava. I love you.
